KIDBASTARD'S ARCHIVES:

KidBastard - 12/29/04, 8:47pm

President Asshat and His Magnificent Army of Whores
Leading us blindly into a future filled with radioactive mutants

Just finished reading about that whole situation with the US reps in Bangkok, and how they shivved their own citizens in the ass while everyone else’s government was actually there to help. Hanging out in the VIP lounge? Making them PAY for replacement passports? Fuck that. And fuck them for not sending more aid. And don’t talk to me about 35 million. Until the US aid package is in the tens of billions (at least), I’m going to feel like a cheap bastard. So I’ll just donate as much as I can afford. Which, when all is said and done, will probably buy someone a sandwich. I’ll have to find some other way to help too. Like donating clothes and other disaster relief whatnot.

And Bush is now talking about organizing a Tsunami Aid Coalition. Hey, fuckwit. You don’t need to form a coalition. Everyone is already on board. You’re the one who’s late to the party. You’ve got no problem pouring billions of our fucking money into a war in the Middle East, but a little humanitarian aid just turns out your pockets, does it? Shit, just because there’s no one to shoot doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help.

Though I’m certain we can all rest easy knowing Bush will undoubtedly soon be declaring an open-ended War on Tsunamis (There’s oil under the Indian Ocean, isn’t there?) I’m sure any day now, we’ll be treated to footage of the US “shocking and awing” the Sunda trench to keep the world safe from these evil terrorists of the ocean. Or China. I hear there’s a lot of tsunamis in China. Of course, we’ll need to secure the homeland as well. We have coastal regions too. Therefore, Alberto Gonzales will need the keys to your house, a urine sample and your porn collection.

You laugh and shake your head, but only to keep from crying over how unsurprised you’ll be when it actually happens.

It’s insane. I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m in some sci-fi B-movie dystopian future. No. Worse than that, I feel like I’m living through the time those movies always refer to as The Upheaval, or The Collapse, or some variation on The Great Fucking Up of Every Damn Thing. Which sucks, because, this means we’re all fucked. If we’re LUCKY our grandkids will be led to freedom by a guy who looks like Marc Singer wearing a ratty poncho and an ill-fitting leotard. And when Marc Singer tells the poor orphan boy he’s rescued from the streets how it all went down, he’ll be sure to say, “No one knew what was happening until it was too late”.

But a bunch of us do what’s happening. And more of us will, if the press would just call King Jacktard on his bullshit. And then we could avoid the bleak future of ponchos and leotards and big manly headbands that surely awaits us. Because I think you could really rile most of us up, if you got all the facts out. And if we get riled up early enough, we could put a stop to all this nonsense before it IS too late.

Sigh.

Alas, that is not to be. For, to get all the facts out would require asking important questions. And it’s hard to ask someone a question when their dick is in your mouth.

So suck hard, Press Corps. And have a good laugh, Mr. President. But know that you’re damning our children and their children’s children (and then maybe one more generation after that) to a life of arid wastelands, radioactive mutants and Marc Singer.

KidBastard - 11/10/04, 10:44pm

ATTENTION DEMOCRATS: SHOW ME YOUR BALLS

No, not literally. Jesus, who in their right mind would want to see a Senator’s balls? No, I’m speaking metaphorically. I do that. It’s kind of my thing. And I’m NOT talking to the average Democrat on the street. No, the average Dem on the street has more balls than a roomful of politicians. I am addressing governors, legislators, Presidential hopefuls and the like.

And I’m talking about courage. And will. I want to see how tough you all are. Because we need you to be tough now. No more playing politics. No more playing it safe. No more worrying that what you do is going to piss off some shit-brained asshole in Kansas. Because the Republicans don’t care that they’re pissing me off. That’s pretty obvious. So you can’t care either. Ezekiel Q. Dogfucker of Asswit Junction, Texas is never going to vote for you, no matter how much you try to pander to him and the rest of his slack-jawed clan. So don’t bother. Instead, how about actually standing for something, and not being afraid to say so? If you’re a liberal, be one. Because, again, conservatives wear that label with pride, whereas liberals (particularly liberal politicians) run screaming from the label as though it were two guys holding a marriage license. Legislators, vote according to your conscience, not the latest polling data. Because polling data shifts with the wind, and when you let it influence your vote, so do you. If you’re a social liberal, vote like one. If you’re a fiscal conservative, vote like one. Vote according to who you are and what you believe, and then you’ll have a record you can be proud of, rather than one you have to explain.

There’s currently a whole bunch of hubbub over who’s going to be the next chairman of the DNC. Folks are talking Howard Dean, and I like that idea. But already there are people crying about how well he’ll do with the mainstream. Well, fuck that. As chairman, it will be his job to convince the mainstream that he’s right. The same goes for any candidate running for office. You have to show us how different the Democrats really are from the Republicans, and why that’s a good thing. Otherwise, what are you doing? You’re just putting yourself out there as a no-frills Republican. And nobody buys no-frills. People say they do, but they’re full of shit. We as a society are all about the brand. If I want Honeycombs, I’m going to buy Post Honeycombs, not store-brand Honey Things. It’s the same with voters. If a voter wants a Republican, they’re going to vote for a Republican, not some Democrat who talks like a Republican, but probably secretly wants to let gays get married and will try to pay down the debt and all manner of other heathen practices.

The time for placating and equivocation is over. The American people need to be led. First and foremost, Americans need to be shown that there is a great big world out there, and we need to find ways of dealing with it that don’t involve shoving a gun in its face. We also need to be told that if we want to be free to own a gun, then the woman down the street has to be free to get an abortion if she needs one. If we want to keep God in the Pledge of Allegiance, then we’re going to have to let those two guys get married. And actually MARRIED, not joined in a civil union or some other half-assed crap. I’m not denying that Democrats hold to some pretty divisive issues. But Republicans do too. The difference is they’re proud of those issues, no matter how reactionary. Democrats are ashamed of theirs, particularly the most progressive.

So for fuck’s sake, Democrats, stop being ashamed of what you are. Pride beats shame any day of the week, and until we trade our shame for pride, the Republicans will always have one up on us.

Oh, and fuck bipartisan unity. It’s time to fight, and fight hard.